


if you could just shut up

by petricorGodstone



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Character Study, Light Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:07:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23818150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/petricorGodstone/pseuds/petricorGodstone
Summary: You just wanted a friend who you could talk to without the looming knowledge. That they know. That they know about you, and that they’re thinking about it, and that they know you. You wanted to know someone who could look you in the eye without you feeling like a sheared sheep in the snow.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 1





	if you could just shut up

**Author's Note:**

> just a little blurb i wrote at mid night because ive lost control of my life. wasn't originally homestuck but it always turns into that doesnt it? you can imagine the person hes with as anyone you like it really doesn't affect the work at all go ahead

Your name is Dave Strider, and you ruined everything.

You and he are sitting side by side. On a blanket in a park. It’s a lovely day.

You wish you could enjoy it.

But as you sit, weight on your palms, swallowing breaths of fresh air, looking at the waxy leaves glinting in the midday, all you can think of is the person you’re sitting next to.

And how badly you ruined everything.

You were perfectly content. You and him, exchanging hollow small talk and learning things about each other, directly or otherwise. You were strangers, maybe, but you were comfortable.

And then you said something. And you didn’t stop saying things.

Nothing like your normal conversations, not at all. Things about you, personal things, things you never wanted anyone to know.

But once you open your mouth, you can’t stop. You and talking get along with babbling like a house on fire. And you let something slip. You ruined it.

You just wanted a friend who you could talk to without the looming knowledge. That they know. That they know about you, and that they’re thinking about it, and that they know you. You wanted to know someone who could look you in the eye without you feeling like a sheared sheep in the snow.

And you had that, with him. And you ruined it. And you can’t run away.

But you want to,

You want to get up and run and run until you can’t see him, he can’t see you. So you don’t have to live with it, the fact that he knows.

But you can’t, you like talking to him.

You just wish you could take it back. Go back in time and shut your stupid mouth and fix things. 

So nothing could ruin this.

So you couldn’t ruin this.

But you can’t.

And now he knows you’re a fake. A projection. He can see past the facade you spent so long building. Hiding from other people, from yourself. 

You know it probably wasn’t that bad. It wasn’t that direct, you presented it more like a topic of argument anyway, an opinion. You’re just being paranoid.

But what if he picked up on it? Picked up on the one or two things that didn’t sound so opinion-based at all. The things that made it so clear that you’re weak.

What if he noticed you cracking?

You’re still talking, deflecting, backtracking. You’re a master at it. That’s a thing you know he won’t notice. That you’re sparring with yourself in your own head, talking to him like it’s the easiest thing in the world, like nothing happened.

Like you didn’t ruin anything.

And you hope he tunes you out. That his eyes glaze over a bit and he just nods and hums every couple of seconds, like he’s listening, but he’s not.

That’s the plan. Talk until nothing you say really means anything at all. Until you’re just saying words into the empty summer air. Hoping the meaningless noise drowns out the cracks in your face.

You’re such a kid. All your problems are stupid, why’d you have to run your stupid mouth? 

You hate thinking it, but so many people have it worse. It’s a stupid thing to think, you’re not even sure if you believe that’s why you’re like this. Because you push it down.

You’ve tried. Tried letting the thoughts sit, so you could process them. But all you feel is confused.

Your mind goes blank and all you can think is that you’re fucking stupid. You’re dumb and stupid and weak and a pussy and a bitch and all that. All you can think about is how much you wish you weren’t so bad at hiding it.

You just wish you could shut your mouth.

Because if people know, then it’s all a moot point.

All the work you’ve done, every time you try to help someone, all they’ll see is someone who’s far from qualified.

How are you supposed to help people if you’re doing so much worse in better circumstances?

Do you even have a good reason to be this way? A good reason for feeling so fake? A good reason for thinking cyclical thoughts.

God, you’re pretentious. All you do is think about yourself and what a hopeless wreck you are. For someone who prides themself on helping other people, you’re nothing but selfish.

And if you’d just shut up, he wouldn’t know.

If you’d shut up, his gaze wouldn’t feel like probing your brain.

But you can’t. Because you’re stupid. And now he knows you’re stupid and selfish and pretentious and weak and fake and breaking apart at the seams, a pillow packed too full, ripping at the seams.

And all you want to do is stop thinking. Stop running in circles like a dog. Stop talking. But you’re still talking. 

Has he even gotten a word in? Are you dominating the conversation with nothing? You are, you’ve been.

You know he knows. He knows and you know he knows and you feel stripped bare and exposed and cold. You feel like he’s picking you apart, like he’s judging you.

Like he knows you’re weak.

He wouldn’t know, it would have been so easy. If you’d just think, think before you opened your mouth. But you didn’t, you never do. You just talk until there’s nothing left to say, and then you talk until you run out of air, and then you take a breath, and you talk some more.

You wish he’d stop looking at you like that.

Like you failed.

You already know you did.

You ruined everything. Because you can’t shut up.


End file.
